The Start Of a Good Day

I cleaned up my house today and it was better than sex. That was a bold statement but I mean it. Cleaning up your home after weeks of letting depression and anxiety take over it feels good to start fresh. Letting go of all the tension that built up with every piece of avoidance is refreshing.

I hate cleaning during my bad days. My bad spells with my mental illness contain disorganization and discontent on what needs to be done. The laundry piles in the hamper I will keep washing the same clothes over and over again. I only rinse the dishes enough to appear clean but it’s still not my best effort. What other people call lazy to me it’s the thought process of feeling tired. I feel as if my brain is foggy and doing these chores are exhausting. I know when these spells hit my house is the image of what is going on inside my head.

My anxiety makes it hard to focus on my priorities. I often fight within my thoughts as to why the fracture of reality. To one who does not struggle with anxiety they would say just get it done you will feel better. The thing is even when I try to get motivated the brain fog clouts my enjoyment. The challenge of responsibility feels like somebody tied an anvil to my body and said jump. Part of self care and mental health treatment is to know your limits. The more I tried to just get things done, created tension and rising frustration. I kept hearing my aunts voice saying it’s not clean enough and do it over.

Once her voice takes over in the mental compartment I will clean but then obsession takes over. Nothing is ever clean enough no matter if I scrubbed it ten times over. I then start the process of self-destruction. I count my fingers, I need six things to tap, and I will not eat food. Once this process starts; I cannot take enough showers to get rid of my dirty body. I will pick at my skin in stress and find flaws everywhere, nothing is clean enough. These are the lowest of low points in dealing with my anxiety.

Today I felt motivated I cleaned up my home the way I wanted. I felt good enough to eat and control the urge to binge and starve. Tonight I will practice yoga and let it all go again. Cleaning up my home is a good start to bring peace and balance until next time. I have no idea when depression and anxiety will hit again. They stay hidden in the corners of my mind tugging at their release. As much as I know the sadness will take over again, today I will enjoy this small victory.

Written by Ali Johnson

Let’s Talk

Let’s take a moment of silence two minutes of your time is required. This silence is to remember the millions of victims who have lost their lives to suicide and depression. I will hold the silence with you start your timer.
In the next eighteen minutes a small fraction of the two minutes we took to remember a suicide is completed. On every minute of the day a suicide is happening. The frightening results of suffering from hidden mental illness. Statistics taken worldwide show four hundred fifty million people suffer from these conditions. Mental illness has become the leading cause of disability and ill-health worldwide. These numbers are not one hundred percent due to a great number not getting help for their hidden disorder.
Numbers and statistics show one thing this is a global epidemic. Disheartening in nature the bigger picture here should be to show what hidden mental illness does to a person. A great number of people go untreated due to stigmas placed by society, cost of treatment, and lack of preventive care for those with depression. Other factors that play into this mass epidemic is religious belief, lack of financial support, and lack of personal interest of the public. With more information and support with removal of stigma these rates could potentially drop. Although it will never fully stop, we can find ways to prevent these rates from rising further and save lives.
Statistics show the numbers of people affected by mental illness and loss of life by suicide. What they don’t show is the mental state leading up to one’s mentality committing the act itself. The internet has resources to educate members of society to notice signs of suicide but it’s commonly used to educate the public about a small part of what is bringing on this epidemic. Considering the stigma placed by populations of religion and dogmas of public; depression is still seen not as illness but a choice. Around seventy-eight percent of people who go untreated for mental illness and depression have some forms of drug addiction. Stigma around drug use widely ignores those who show signs of mental illness causing people to fear getting treatment. In some religions people living with mental illness and depression are exiled and shamed for their conditions. With biasing opinions being placed on those who are untreated it contributes to the ongoing pandemic.
Untreated mental illness is the leading cause of suicides worldwide. This includes Bipolar, Schizophrenia, depression, as well Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other hidden mental illnesses. Mental illness can affect anyone regardless of social stature, financial stature, and personal stature. Mental illness is not the only factor for suicide rates. Other factors are grief, trauma, drug abuse, job loss, and injuries and other contributing life events. Genetics can play a part as well in untreated mental illness. With the factors contributing to the epidemic of suicides and depression more research and knowledge and understanding has to be placed to better understand why this is occurring. Four hundred and Fifty million lives is one too many.

Written by Ali Johnson

Sources used in research

My old friend depression

Depression my old friend

I go back even if it’s a dead end

You and I have this tango

One two three away we go

Put on our shoes

We have work to do

You are here once again

Like hot steel, I bend

Your like an addiction

You bring useless friction

I don’t want you anymore

Yet, you are here just like before

Can we just done?

Can you be gone?

Let’s stop only one of us

Loves this it is your lust

We make a bad couple

Not compatible, not doable

So depression my old friend

Can we call this the end?

Written by Ali Johnson