I Could Pick Myself Apart (Emotional Breakdowns)

In the last two weeks of starting work again after being a stay at home mom for two years I felt like I failed my children. On Thursday night I found myself crying fountains, screaming at my partner on the phone, kids in tow, after feeding them McDonalds. I sat in my red Buick Century clutching the steering wheel my kids watching their mother break down. I had gotten off night shift, my sons babysitter had to cancel, running on no sleep for twenty-four hours… complete dumpster fire of emotion. Officially last Thursday ranked ten out of ten emotional and physical exhaustion of motherhood and marriage.

If someone was on the outside watching me I’m sure they said I was crazy, check me into the mental institution and call it a day. I had no self-control left in the evening. I wanted to be a good mom and wife and do it all. My mother-in-law kept saying she could watch the kids while I slept. My husband and I have been on the outs since going back. I was loading my plate with all the duties mother and wife related without taking time to breathe. My entire situation was a boiling pot waiting to spill over as I kept adding more life ingredients. Is that not what is expected of women today; to balance everything and give it all, with little to no complaints attached?

I’m here to say that should not be the expectation for women today. That should not be the expectation for anyone. Despite that moment in life I feel like to many people try to do it all and then feel guilty when they hit the breaking point. I broke down, and at first I was so ashamed of the things I said and the actions I did. My emotions and exhaustion from trying to do everything without help got out of control. The best thing out of this situation is looking back at why it needed to happen. I’m not happy it took this point of breaking to be heard, but to know that I’m still human and I still have lots to learn about life.

Having time to look at the situation my children had food in their bellies that night. Did I spend the last twenty dollars in my bank, yes I did. They were fed and according to my eldest son he really wanted to go and have time with his mom. I have been working hard the last two weeks at my new job. My son just wanted some mom time because he missed the time we used to have. He didn’t care that it was fast food he was happy that I gave him my attention and time to listen to him. I got to hear all the wonderful things going on at school. Learning about his friends, and what he likes. He didn’t care his mom was in sweatpants or that I felt like he deserved a better mom. Both of my boys ate and had fun just having their mom love them.

In the car I had a massive fight on the phone with my husband. We don’t often fight, and we never fight in front of the kids. On Thursday I was to emotionally exhausted to follow those rules. My husband is a great guy and my best friend. For the last month he and I stopped working as a team that we are. He was tired from work, I was tired from work, we both had been co-parenting just not in sync with one another. That morning I had sent a mean text message belittling him as a parent and a partner. My irritations from work and my doubts as a wife and mother came out and I fully admit I used my husband as a verbal punching bag. Sending that text message was awful, I hurt him because I was hurting. Having that fight oddly brought us together. Even though our children saw it they also get to see their parents apologize to one another, and that shows them it’s ok to have an argument and how to work it out as a team. This argument allowed my husband and I to say what we thought and create a solution for a better future. We both had childhoods where adults fought but never found a way to move forward. Silver linings and all we just have to keep moving and understand we are still learning to love one another by forgiving and being compassionate when we are hurt.

My children saw me cry. I bawled my eyes out and had the best cry. Crying can be healthy. I am the person that hides in the bathroom so no one can see me cry. I have done this since childhood because I was never taught what emotions I could have. Only learning anger and silence and emotions like I had on Thursday were punishable. Growing up in emotionally abusive environments are hard to manage emotions that are out of control. I don’t handle emotional stress in healthy ways. I wait until my breaking point to deal with them. My children deserve different futures from me. Seeing their mom cry showed them it’s ok to feel emotions. It’s ok for them to be upset and express their frustrations. After calming down I explained to my children that mom was upset but it’s not their faults. I also apologized for their mom losing control and I loved them. Explaining to my children that sometimes mom feels upset and needs to find better ways of coping than to yell and scream. It is not their job to solve my problems. It is however my job to teach them it’s sometimes ok to not be ok. I explained to my children they didn’t do anything wrong and held them tightly. When we got home I took some time to listen even harder to their needs because tiny humans need love the most, and I need to break the cycle of the past.

With everything happening I’m here to say my emotional breakdown happened. It happens to so many people in today’s society. People are expected to pile a thousand of things on their plates without complaint. Despite that moment in life I feel like to many people try to do it all and then feel guilty when they hit the breaking point. I broke down, and at first I was so ashamed of the things I said and the actions I did. My emotions and exhaustion from trying to do everything without help got out of control. The best thing out of this situation is looking back at why it needed to happen. I’m not happy it took this point of breaking to be heard, but to know that I’m still human and I still have lots to learn about life.

Written by Ali Johnson

Posting on Social Media Parents of Custody Battles

I have been finding myself angered by people writing hate on their social media during custody battles. Myself, has had problems doing this in the past without understanding the true repercussions of my actions. Stopping my social media hate towards my ex partner and my eldest sons father, puts in context what posting hate about each other affects everyone. It is so simple to say who really cares about the writing and posting of other people. Key problems posting targets is your children, your relationship past and future, your friendships, and your overall mental health.

Every time my ex would come at me for court or custody I would go on my social media and post about how pissed off I was at him. I would write about how much I hate him and I couldn’t believe he would pull that bullshit. Going as far as attacking his now ex-wife on social media because I felt like she was pushing him to argue with me. Looking back on certain posts that popped up on Facebook memories, I am so disgusted with myself. Understandably I was upset with him but to write atrocities as I did, mind blown on reality I would never say what I said about him to my children. If my son read when he was older I could fully understand how upset he would feel. It doesn’t matter how angry you are at your partner unless you want to affect your children mental well-being don’t post hate about your ex spouse or partner.

We as adults cry for people to stop bullying one another. So why as adults lack the ability to take our advice? Relationships and custody are emotionally charged there is not a plausible way to deny it. Every emotion is like a wave during this period for any ending it is a grief period. When kids are involved, posting on social media about their parents is unacceptable because it shows bullying is acceptable. That’s not the intention to bully the other person due to the hurt they have caused: between the lines it is still trying to hurt someone else to feel better about yourself. Due to it being highly public posting about another persons failures is trying to get the mob mentality to dislike the other person. Remember as a child and you couldn’t be friends with the weird kid who had a bunch of rumours on them, by posting hate and only one side of the story that person will become alienated by other people because there are three sides to every story. Who knows if that person posting about their custody battle is telling the full truth or only the truth that makes them look good to others. Victimizing people by one story is easy to do in our society today. All it takes is one social media post and people go crazy without questioning the full spectrum.

All that aside future employers can look up your Facebook and see all the drama that was posted. Was bashing another person worth losing a potential job? This is not worth losing more than what is already lost. I know when I see these posts about parents hating one another and I think to myself these people have no problem throwing other people under the bus to benefit themselves. A future employer would see that as selfish behaviour and shows lack of self-control. Employers want to hire good people capable of behaving like adults. No one wants to hire the playground bully.

Social media is a lawless place anyone can take what you post and turn it around to make it what they need to. Posting has no guarantees others will understand the intention of the poster. Social media has no safety net to stop it from entering into your real life. With everything said on this post the person who is hurt the most from hate on social media is the person who writes the post. Posting negative outlooks about anyone is unacceptable because it affects everyone and yourself. If you need a place to vent about your relationship issues regarding your children find a different outlet than social media. Be the bigger person and move forward without negative repercussions to your life.

Written by Ali Johnson

Summer Holidays & Motherhood

I need summer holidays to come to a halt. I have had it with my children and the summer. Between being a personal referee and a chef with little to no thanks, I am done. If I hear one more complaint I will personally buy the tiniest violin and play it at my tiny crotch goblins expense. I will make it my mission to act as immature as possible to show them the idiocracy that is our summer.

The beginning of summer I was prepared to be the best mom I can. I had plans to do something every day. Educational activities out the butt were planned. Healthy food for the whole summer was on the menu. We were going to do arts and crafts for god’s sake. I was going to laugh more and create the best memories for my children. Truly I had made a solid plan for this summer to go well. My children on the other hand decided we don’t do that here.

Plans to do something every day: well lets add whining and crying to almost every place we attend. I have never in my life seen two kids behave so barbaric publicly, I am embarrassed. They are not raised to be like this and I promise discipline was delivered. More challenging is why they were angels with the grandparents. I have no idea why the universe decided to bless my husband and me with feral boys. The angry mom you hear about shouting at her kids that was me. I’m pretty sure my downstairs neighbours think I’m nuts. I am the crazy white lady who yelled like I was in a metal concert with some sick throat signing. Mastering the art of using my Batman voice it scares little children. I put Kate Middleton mom face to shame. The face that says I mean business and I will not take any prisoners.

Educational activities: what are those? Non existent like dinosaurs. Despite the best efforts to match Pinterest mommies, I render my resignation. Cute little hand print paintings more like brown goo and a toddler eating paint. The blue crayons taste the best according to the coloured poo being produced. Arts and crafts have become impossible with the seven-year age difference. One wants to do crafts that require in depth instructions while the other needs arts and crafts to be uncontrollably messy. My eldest son who has autism needs crafts that require nothing sticky, smelly, or soapy. My toddler loves all three of those categories and is the king of messy. I give up it is not worth the battle ensuing in my home resulting in world war three. I tried my best, I think Pinterest moms are full of poo. They probably made the crafts while their crotch goblins slept.

I made a list about healthy food we would experiment with. Reading every article about autism friendly meals, toddler friendly meals, meals for carpenters was originally a great idea. Light bulbs going off in my mind I laid out plans to feed the boys of my home with great intention. We would become a healthy family. No junk food or sugars, and we would try more vegetarian friendly meals. I promised myself to cook wholesome meals no more going out to eat. My Amazon account became littered with bento boxes galore. Tupperware heaven and best laid plans aside all of it did not work out. It lasted two weeks at the beginning of the summer. After exhausting days with the boys I caved. We travelled on weekends to stay busy somehow we never packed enough to keep our children fed. My eldest son didn’t like how apples tasted, how bananas felt, and hummus looked like barf. The youngest is a phenomenal eater but his name should be Crumbs R Us. Our vehicle this summer became shameful. We caved for minutes of sanity, and we got junk food. My husband had no follow through with not getting food from the gas station because of forgotten lunch. My expectations of boys listening to be healthier has been lowered dramatically. Although we did not eat all junk all summer, for the most part we did eat home cooked meals. I tried new recipes and became aware of the contents in our food. The Guinea pigs that are my boys have claimed that I have seventy-eight percent accuracy in pleasing them. That states I did something right this summer.

I really did want to be that great mom everyone raves about in the PTA meetings. Missing the target greatly was a misfire this summer. I am envious of the perfect moms I see on social media. It’s not all bad though we did laugh, we walked everywhere, and we had daily dance parties. Even though screen time was “slightly” uncontrollable, we did read daily. I counted our reading logs we read eighty books this summer. Not quite one hundred like I planned but close. My eldest son obtained a library card and has steadily been reading novels. My toddler was outside and exploring the world at his pace enjoying the Earth as it should be. I’m exhausted from the summer and need school to start. Kudos to the teachers that make it from September to August with my tiny humans you are the MVP’s. I sit here wondering is this parenting in a nutshell? I am wondering is parenting jumping off a cliff with tiny humans and still making it to the bottom with no chute. Feeling eager to have the first day back to school and first day to daycare happen I am sad that I feel summer was a loss. My eldest son tonight told me that he had the best summer. I wonder what I’m missing from a parenting point of view to see it as a loss when he sees it as wonderful.

Written by Ali Johnson

The First of the Lasts

I saw my son turn into a little man overnight. Snapping a photo yesterday of his last day of grade two it hit me out of nowhere. We have so many lasts that it gets missed. The last nap, the last cartoon, the last of holding a baby and singing it to sleep. I once took in the deep intoxicating smell of my small baby boy. That smell still lingers in distant memory never to be forgotten. Now he smells as a stinky boy preparing for the next leg into growing up.

I am growing older I saw that in the photo. My son came into my life as I was leaving adolescence in my dust. As the saying goes there is no manual to having children, we all wing it hoping for the best. I held my baby for the first time and the last time I held him tightly in my arms when he was four. Where did the time go? I dropped him off on his first day of kindergarten and this was the first of the last times. Yesterday he finished grade two onto the summer of learning fun and adventure. Will this be the last summer we play with reckless abandon. How will I know this will be the last time we do anything?

He no longer collects tiny metal cars, I looked inside his room. It no longer holds home to a little boy filled to the brim with imagination. It holds the image of growing older. Science books and homework thrown about. Clothes with loud labels surround the floor. Try as I might with each passing day the last of little boyhood is growing away from him. The bond as baby boy and mother is now growing into a bond of a mother and her young son. Different responsibilities overtaking the loud fun we once had. I can’t remember the last time we were tickle monsters of TravisVille.

Everyone says if you blink they grow up so fast. I blinked of course as all parents do. I am sad to see the years creep up ever so silently. Missing the markers of my sons childhood and held them for granted. If only I was wiser I would hold onto the last times like hostages until somebody else said time to let go. I’m not quite ready to let go just yet. I want to hold my eyes open wide in order to not miss what is left of my sons childhood. The parenting nature doesn’t work that way. I will blink again and before me will stand my adult son onto his next adventure.

With this I say hold onto your babies a minute longer as you don’t know if this time is the first of the lasts. Hold your breath with passing moment of time and hold those true to your hearts so that way you can appreciate the fleeting time of growing older.

Written by Ali Johnson

My son at three months of age.